I am just one person

I am just one person.  This is a mantra that I often find myself saying.  Especially on days like today. Days where I have yet another evaluation for Kolten.  Days where once again he qualifies to get help because he is behind.  Now, I am so grateful that he is getting help, but it is a lot for one mama to process.  Days like today, I process so many emotions that it can be hard to think straight. I can be hard to comprehend.  So today I am going to process here.

I have this kid who is amazing. He is spunky and crazy and funny and loveable and perfect.  Six months ago, I took him for his routine 2 year check up with his pediatrician. Nothing was ringing in my ears as flags, minus the fact that he just wasn’t really talking.  And by not talking, I mean, zero words.  I know, you are thinking…hello, that is a huge red flag, but he fully comprehends everything you say to him.  So he understands the communication, but the poor dude just isn’t able to verbalize.  Our doctor was concerned and referred us to Children’s Village.  I am of the mindset that early intervention is the best option.  So we went in for our first of many evaluations.  

2015-08-21 13.54.53-3We went in and they ask a million and two questions.  They watch Kolten. They watched me. Talk about leaving feeling like you are failing your child in every way.  They don’t make you feel that way, but some of the questions they ask, you think, man do I even know my kid?!?  So we have the evaluation.  At the end they say, here is what he qualifies for: Speech, Occupational Therapy Evaluation, an educator, behavior and neurodevelopment clinic.  I sat there speechless.  Is that all, I wanted to scream.  So fast forward to now.  Today we had our OT evaluation.  Again, questions and watching, and another diagnosis that yep…Kolten needs OT.  So now we have appointments 2 times a month for speech, education, OT and add in the Neuro-Development which starts at the end of September. So Kolten currently has at least 1 appointment a week.

2015-08-13 21.40.55But Kolten is not an only child.  Logan starts school on Thursday.  Logan starts piano the following Tuesday and in September he starts Jiu Jitsu.  Yes, Logans activities are all voluntary.  Yes, he doesn’t have to do those things.  But why should he suffer because Kolten needs extra help? He shouldn’t.

So here I am today, Erin Condren planner out.  Looking at our work schedule, our doctors appointments, our fun schedule and thinking to myself…can we make it? Can I make it? Can I do this? But most importantly can I do this alone, while still being patient with my ever asking question kids, with their crazy amounts of energy, with their epic meltdowns? Let’s see.

2015-08-02 13.29.07Logically I get that Kolten’s issues aren’t my fault.  Emotionally, well that is a whole new challenge that I face.  Just as when Logan was having social issues and adjusting, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure.  Here is to the start of a new school year, a new adventure of doctors and helping to keep my sanity intact.


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