Last week was a struggle. I felt defeated in almost every way I could even think of. But mainly defeated when it comes to being a mom. I get upset too much. Not enough quality time. I find every fault I ever make and I get down on myself. In the struggle, it can be hard to see the beauty.
Last week we attempted kinder music. Needless to say, we normally don’t do things like this because it is a struggle and life can be hard with two boys. Well, Kolten was a disaster and I left in tears. Logan left in tears because he didn’t earn his treat. So here we are driving home everyone in tears. And I kept blaming myself. Seeing all the areas in which I fail them. Not understanding why they each have different special needs. Honestly wondering why I even try or why I even attempt to do organized activities with two rough and tumble boys. So we are driving home. I feel like a failure. Logan feels like a failure. And Kolten could feel my emotions. Here comes my second round of guilt because now my attitude has really shaken up the whole family. And I am the one placing these expectations on the boys. I am the one who is saying you must behave this way to meet the standard. And then I stopped.
I started to look for the beauty. In a 45 minute class. Logan was good and followed all directions for 35 minutes. It was only in the last 10 that he was derailed. And Kolten. Well, it is new. And he doesn’t do well with new. So in this beauty I am finding that he can adjust. And we will adjust. And then I looked deep for my own courage and to fight my own worries or concerns and I made the decision that we will go back. We will try again. And maybe this time Kolten will join in. Maybe this time we will leave happy. Maybe just maybe I will give myself some grace and give the boys some grace and we will try to enjoy the music and the peace that comes in watching other moms.
And I will find the beauty in these hard but formatives years. I will remember that it is hard now, oh so hard, but it will pay off in the long run when they listen and obey right away. I will find the beauty in two strong-willed children. I will find the beauty in our unbreakable bond as a three-person family. I will find the beauty in traversing this journey alone. I will find the beauty in simply being their mom, in the love that we share.
So last week has difficult. But we found the beauty. And each day forward we will keep looking for that beauty.
That unending love.