This last month has been filled with appointments, struggles, joys, changes, triumphs and confusion. Like any normal person, I feel like in a month’s span my emotions run the course, but this last month especially. Each person in our family has gone through one struggle or another and we are muttering our way through that struggle.
Me. This month has been challenging in the fact that there are people around me who live with no integrity and because I work with them, I do not have the ability to keep them out of my life. I am doing my best and praying daily for the person, trying to be an example of Christ while being treated poorly. I am daily turning the other cheek and offering a helping hand, all the while knowing that my efforts and help are being mocked and disgraced. I am working to not let the disappointment run rampant. To realize that this person must truly be hurting to hurt so many around them. I am reminding myself that lashing out means that this person is struggling with something. I hope that as they grow and change, that they will realize that the hurt they can inflict with their words. With the relationships they can taint with their poor attitude and lastly, that they will see that they are hurting their own happiness with a bitterness that is engulfing them. Watching the train go 200mph when you know the end result is a crash is one of the saddest things I have had to go through, I wish I could open their eyes and stop the wreck. It is hard when you believe deep down someone has good in them, yet they are so hurt they hurt everyone else. I am choosing to not allow this person to ruin my day, my life or my job. But let’s be honest, the negative around some people can, after a time get you down. That is where I am at today. Struggling. Struggling to understand, how someone can treat others so poorly. Why it is ok, to treat people as if they don’t matter. As if their feelings are not important and how they can live a life of constant lies. I know that I will never understand and I know that I can only control my emotions, my feelings, and my actions.
Logan. He has actually been pretty great this month and we are finally starting down the road of finding what is going on with his little digestive system and although it will add more appointments to our busy schedule, it will be worth it. Logan is also taking piano lessons and although we have had a slow start (we finally pick up our piano Saturday Morning) he is really loving it. I have made the decision for him that we will commit to 3 years of piano and then he can make a choice if he doesn’t want to continue. Hopefully at some point, I will also start lessons since it is a life long dream to play. Logan as well as been working on his memory verses for church and just doing so well with it. I love watching his love for God grow as he learns more, expresses his joy and fear in prayers and grows to be an amazing little man of God.
Kolten. Destructor. Tormentor. Snuggle Bug. Bully head. Intuitive. The list of his traits is a mile long. He is currently the biggest puzzle piece of our family. Nothing works. Nothing fits. We are still struggling for answers. But again, we are taking a step forward. Kolten was seen by the Neuro-Development clinic and it has been determined that he will go to an all day screening for Autism, to determine if he is on the spectrum. At this point, I am not sure I am even fully processing that decision. His words are not increasing, but his understanding grows leaps and bounds every day. My mantra lately: Answers are good. Answers are good.
Finally, as a family we are doing well. There is nothing too thrilling going on and honestly I love that. But today is a special day, 5 years ago I left the Army. I left a life that I loved to raise Logan and eventually Kolten. To be a wife, a mom and enjoy those times. Fast-forward to 5 years later and I am no longer a wife, but I am a mom to two beautiful little souls. Each day, I get to fill their hearts, their minds and their lives with new and exciting things.
I wouldn’t change my decision to leave the Army because I wouldn’t have Kolten. But I do miss the loyalty and honor that comes from serving. The sense of purpose of something so much deeper than just a regular job. Something that meant I was doing better for the world at large. Instead, I am changing the lives of two extraordinary little boys, teaching them to be courageous and make a difference in the world.