The last month has been full of decisions, appointments, challenges and the possibility for so many adventures in our future.
First, let me start with the challenges. It has recently been decided to do Autism screening on Kolten because he is high risk with his current behaviors, lack of verbal skills, no fear and not feeling much pain. He will go through the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule or ADOS as we call in on November 20th. On that day we will find out a diagnosis. We will know. We will have answers. To say this isn’t a scary journey is an understatement. To say that I am not worried is an understatement. But to know, at the end of the day to have a direction, a way to go, some answers, for that I am so grateful.
Kolten is currently in speech, education and occupational therapy. We love his therapists, he is growing and expanding, but we still don’t have answers. Currently, we are just working within a system of let’s try this or this or this and maybe it will help. I am so grateful for the support of our therapists…not just for Kolten, but for me. They listen, they help brainstorm…and sometimes they just say…ya know, you are doing a great job. Sometimes that is all that I need to hear. On top of these therapies, Kolten is in Kinder Music. Music is supposed to really help with non-verbal kids…however, he struggles, each week he struggles. The first week I left in tears, not sure I would ever return. But, return we did. Each week, he gets better, each week, he joins a little more. He still doesn’t like to be a part of the circle. I still feel massively judged by the other moms as their child sits there perfectly and Kolten is constantly in motion. I still feel like fail him every day, that I am not enough. That I am not patient enough with him, that I don’t work with him enough. This is my challenge.
Logan. My sweet, crazy Logan. He is struggling to not be jealous. Struggling with Kolten having all of these appointments, with everyone paying attention to Kolten. It is a challenge. His challenge. But on top of all of Kolten’s therapies…we have Logan activities and appointments and school. Logan is taking piano and seems (most days) to really be enjoying it and thriving when he plays. He has been playing better for me than when he is at lessons, so that is something I need to work with him about. But for a not yet 5-year-old, I am pretty darn proud of him.
The last challenge we are having has been ongoing…Logan’s issue to poop. This poor kid….needless to say, we are seeing a GI specialist this week, in hopes for more answers and to hopefully get this kid off the medicine that we have him on daily. So while our challenges lately seem like more than we can handle…we also have some pretty amazing adventures coming up.
As a mom, I feel like my number one job in life is to ensure that my kids are happy and healthy. In order to do that, we have made the decision to move back to Georgia. Randy’s job has transferred him back to Georgia (this time Atlanta) and we will be moving in July 2016. This has been probably one of the harder decisions of my life.
I have not made this decision lightly. It has been something that has been on my heart for a while and after tons of prayers, thinking and talking to Logan the decision has been made. I know that many won’t understand and possibly support the decision but at the end of the day…I want my kids to have their dad. A dad that has made huge changes in the last two years. A dad who has stepped up to the plate and been the amazing dad that he was made to be. This decision has been made easier in the fact that Logan has asked to move every day since he came home this summer.
This has been a challenge for me. I am leaving everything. My family. My friends. My church. My support. My life. But why…I am leaving so that Logan and Kolten will have daily access to their dad. Daily access to a man they adore, cherish and look up to. I am moving to soothe their heart for a decision that was made two years ago in hurt and pain. In a decision, that ripped them away from their lives. I am choosing to focus on the positive of this move because it daily makes me cry. I know this is the door I am meant to walk through and I know it is not going to be easy, but is anything that is worth it easy?
So here we are in November, a month to remember all of the things we are thankful for and to celebrate those things, so I want to end with that.
First, I am thankful for a co-parent who wants to be with his kids daily. Who can’t imagine life without them.
Second, I am thankful for an amazing medical staff that is working with Kolten and Logan to give us the answers we need.
Third, I am thankful for a church that has filled my once empty soul and has taught me to serve when I didn’t think I had anything worth giving.
Fourth, I am thankful for my family, because while they are not happy to lose us to the East Coast, they are supportive, understanding and will eventually be happy.
Fifth, I am thankful for friends, near and far.
Sixth, I am thankful that I have a job that I can literally go anywhere with and still have stability.
Seventh, I am thankful that I know myself, have gained confidence and am making decisions with only 3 people in mind, Logan, Kolten and myself.
Eighth, I am grateful for the peace I have with making a decision that while not easy, I believe that God placed this on my heart and because of that, we will overcome any challenge that faces us.