Today is the first day in 2016 and it is bittersweet. I am in Chicago. My boys are in Kansas. My life never feels complete when they are away. I enjoy things less, I laugh less, I am sad and inside I just can’t explain how it feels. I know that the time they spend with their Papa is priceless and I would never dream of taking any of it away, in fact, I usually extend any trip for them, at the expense of how it will feel for me. I do this, because it is what is best for my boys, what is best for their papa and I tell myself, I can manage and make it through…and I always do.
This year is a year of change for our little family of three and the closer it gets the scarier it becomes. I am not sure I am ready to be away from a home I love so much, but I will cope. I will build a new life. But…I don’t make friends easy, I don’t open up to new people and I fear the loneliness that will come with moving to a state where I have no one. But I do this because I know that the boys need daily access to their papa. I do this for their happiness for their health and their lives. Yes, I am at peace with this decision. Yes, I know that God is leading me in this direction. But I also know this will be a test for me.
This last year has given me a huge perspective on my life, my journey, and my future. I have learned in the last year what I will never settle for in a relationship, what my purpose is and ultimately what I feel God is pulling me to do. I have learned in certain situations to say little, to realize that those who say they are your friends are not always honest and true. I have learned hard lessons this past year. While I wouldn’t trade the turmoil or the lessons, I do hope that 2016 will bring more happiness and peace.
I thrive in an environment that is peaceful and kind. I do not thrive in an environment with yelling or hovering. I need space to recharge. I have learned that people don’t understand this and instead I am judged for being quiet. I have learned that in order for me to be happy, I need my kids around me. Yes, I like quiet times without them, but not for long. Life doesn’t feel complete without stepping on a lego.
I have learned that even when challenges, such as Kolten’s Autism, creep up, that I am stronger than I ever imagined possible. I have learned that there is literally nothing I can not make it through. I have also learned that the support system I have in my family and close friends is one that I could never, ever replicate. I have also learned, that no challenge is too big for God.
I have learned that I can make hard and tough decisions and feel at peace, without being thrilled. I have also learned to keep my feelings and emotions inside, to not let what others say and think to be the judgment call on my life. While their opinions might matter, they will not change my decisions.
All in all, 2015 has been a year that lessons were learned and my life was changed. Here is to 2016 and the new adventures ahead.