Sometimes it just sucks to be a mom. To be the one who is blamed for everything in the world. Today is one of those days.
Logan is having a hard day. 14 days with his papa and while he has been home for 3 days, he has still had papa. Well today…his papa left. And apparently that is my fault. I have been repeatedly told today that it is my fault that papa doesn’t live here. That I did this. That I am the bad guy. I have been repeatedly reminded, that not only does Logan love me the LEAST in his life, that he doesn’t like me either. I have been informed today that I am not a good mom. That I don’t give him what he wants and that he wants to live with his papa. Needless to say, it has been a fun day. Continue reading “Sometimes, this mom thing sucks.”
Today is the first day in 2016 and it is bittersweet. I am in Chicago. My boys are in Kansas. My life never feels complete when they are away. I enjoy things less, I laugh less, I am sad and inside I just can’t explain how it feels. I know that the time they spend with their Papa is priceless and I would never dream of taking any of it away, in fact, I usually extend any trip for them, at the expense of how it will feel for me. I do this, because it is what is best for my boys, what is best for their papa and I tell myself, I can manage and make it through…and I always do. Continue reading “A New Year…A New Perspective”
As time goes by and I become more accepting with our diagnosis, I realize that even more so now, I am his advocate, his voice, his protector, his champion. Yes, as a mom I was already all of those things, but now….now if I fail….well that is not an option, this is now my mission. One I can’t fail at, one I won’t fail at. I have come to realize our diagnosis is a path that was opened to us and while there are a ton of hills on this path, it’s a pretty amazing adventure. I have also realized that I say “our diagnosis” because at the end of the day, it really is OURS. It affects Logan, it affects me, and it affects Kolten. We are a package deal, if it happens to one, it happens to all. We all have to deal with the crazy that accompanies Kolten. Now, who knows if some of the things that happen (like Kolten undecorating the tree while Logan sobs that Kolten hates Christmas) are age related or if they are autism related…only time can tell. We are all going gluten free, because it is best for Kolten. We are a family, we will stick together in this journey, we will meet every challenge as 3 against 1. There is nothing that together and with Christ that we cannot overcome. Continue reading “What I have Accepted”
It has been about two weeks since the initial diagnosis. Two weeks since the word Autism made a permanent journey to live in our house. Two weeks since our eyes have been opened to change.
Two weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with all of the change and the journey that our life was now going to take. Kolten had been diagnosed with Autism and we needed to figure out what that meant and how it was going to really shape our life. We have started some big changes in how we do things, the way we eat and even the way sleep is being tackled.
Continue reading “I believe in our future.”
Today was the day. Today was D-day as I was affectionately calling it. Today was the day that answers for Kolten would happen. Today, after a full day of testing, we got the diagnosis. Kolten has autism. Kolten. Autism. Kolten.
Logically I have been here for a month or two. When it was first suggested, I started to do mass research on it. Kolten fit in so many places. He had all the signs and I hadn’t seen it. But hearing the diagnosis today was bittersweet. It was on one hand, reassuring, because now, finally we have answers for his behaviors and outbursts. But on the flip side…it is hard to hear. It is hard to hear that your kid is always going to be different, in a world where differences are not always celebrated…especially as a kid.
Continue reading “Autism.”
So I wrote this last month for Veteran’s Day and then forgot to post it….so here we go.
There is this word in the English language that conveys so much.
It means one who served their country. In peace or in war. One who offered to risk their life so others could be free.
Then there is phrase in the English language.
Someone who served in a war zone to ensure your freedom. Everyone’s freedom. This phrase evokes so many emotions that it can be hard to put it all into words.
Continue reading “Lessons Learned”
The last month has been full of decisions, appointments, challenges and the possibility for so many adventures in our future.
First, let me start with the challenges. It has recently been decided to do Autism screening on Kolten because he is high risk with his current behaviors, lack of verbal skills, no fear and not feeling much pain. He will go through the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule or ADOS as we call in on November 20th. On that day we will find out a diagnosis. We will know. We will have answers. To say this isn’t a scary journey is an understatement. To say that I am not worried is an understatement. But to know, at the end of the day to have a direction, a way to go, some answers, for that I am so grateful.
Continue reading “Challenges. Adventures. Fun?”
This last month has been filled with appointments, struggles, joys, changes, triumphs and confusion. Like any normal person, I feel like in a month’s span my emotions run the course, but this last month especially. Each person in our family has gone through one struggle or another and we are muttering our way through that struggle. Continue reading “Figuring this thing called life out…”
Last week was a struggle. I felt defeated in almost every way I could even think of. But mainly defeated when it comes to being a mom. I get upset too much. Not enough quality time. I find every fault I ever make and I get down on myself. In the struggle, it can be hard to see the beauty.
Continue reading “From Broken to Beautiful”
Ok, Ok, let me say this about September…I love the fall, the way the air smells and how the leaves change, how I can wear jeans and not be dying, how I can throw on a hoodie or cute sweater and that I can wear my hair down without dying of heat. But goodness has this month been a killer. The boys have been a new form of naughty, Life has felt crazy and I am tired.
There are days lately like I feel like I am treading water and not very well. But honestly, there really isn’t anything that anyone can help me with. Logan misses his dad. He tells me close to every day how he wants to live with him. How he needs to move to Georgia and be close to his dad. Every day it breaks my heart. Not because I don’t want him to be close to Randy or have full access anytime he wants, but it breaks my heart because he is going through this. It breaks my heart that a stupid adult decision is hurting him. It plain just breaks my heart.
Continue reading “September…I am not sure that I like you!”