What 2016 Taught Me

I can’t believe it is the end of another year, a year where we have experienced so much change, both good and bad. A year where I have once again learned that I can trust very few people and a year where I saw the people I love really surround me and lift me to new heights.

Here is what I learned:  Continue reading

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Kolten turns 3

Three years ago today, I didn’t know my life could be so full, so complete, so chaotic and so perfect. Three years ago, I didn’t know that I could love someone as much as I already loved Logan and that someone could be naughtier than what I was already experiencing. Three years ago, I didn’t know that we would face an autism diagnosis. Three years ago, I didn’t know that speech would come so late and so slow. And three years ago, I didn’t know that nothing would ever be the same.  Continue reading

Emotions Abound

Life lately has been one emotional journey after another. Each day we tackle a new emotion, a new feeling and a new meltdown. Part of it is that Logan is 5, part of it is the Autism, part of it is the changes that are coming. But all of it is overwhelming and a struggle. There are not many days or times that I complain about being a single mom. It is my life and how we cope with things in our little family of three, is just our way of doing things. However, Logan’s emotions can take over my own and it is exhausting. It is hard. And I want to be able to tag team and take a break, but alas, that is not an option and so we keep moving forward.  Continue reading

My first support group…

Well, I went to our first support group last night…and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, even after one week I think I am feeling more at ease. There are tons of parents who deal with this and much more and are happy, and thriving and doing well. It was interesting to see how our paths cross and how small the world and the community is.

It is no longer a scary word, autism. It is a reality. It is a challenge. It is a blessing.

I am amazed that I can think that…a blessing, but it truly is. My boys are meant to be with me, I am meant to be their mom and we are meant to live an adventurous life.

Oh the places we will go 🙂

Life changed forever today…

Do you ever have those moments in life…moments you don’t necessarily realize will be the defining moments until you realize that they are? Today Logan was diagnosed with Autism. While that is not what is defining my life, or his, or even our families, it is a true testament to the people that I have around me and the people I believed were my friends. When your family is given 2 life altering diagnosis in 2 months time frame, it can be overwhelming for those around you, and they can feel unsure what to say, so they say nothing.  For me today, friendships were anchored, and others are not so important anymore. Today I realized how blessed I am that my mom is my best friend in the world. That she is funny and sweet and loves me to the core, but more importantly, she doesn’t let me have these hard moments alone. She is my hero, if I can be half of the mom and woman that she is, I will never fail.  Continue reading

Sometimes, this mom thing sucks.

Sometimes it just sucks to be a mom. To be the one who is blamed for everything in the world. Today is one of those days.

Logan is having a hard day. 14 days with his papa and while he has been home for 3 days, he has still had papa. Well today…his papa left. And apparently that is my fault. I have been repeatedly told today that it is my fault that papa doesn’t live here. That I did this. That I am the bad guy. I have been repeatedly reminded, that not only does Logan love me the LEAST in his life, that he doesn’t like me either. I have been informed today that I am not a good mom. That I don’t give him what he wants and that he wants to live with his papa. Needless to say, it has been a fun day.  Continue reading

A New Year…A New Perspective

Today is the first day in 2016 and it is bittersweet. I am in Chicago. My boys are in Kansas. My life never feels complete when they are away. I enjoy things less, I laugh less, I am sad and inside I just can’t explain how it feels. I know that the time they spend with their Papa is priceless and I would never dream of taking any of it away, in fact, I usually extend any trip for them, at the expense of how it will feel for me. I do this, because it is what is best for my boys, what is best for their papa and I tell myself, I can manage and make it through…and I always do.  Continue reading

What I have Accepted

As time goes by and I become more accepting with our diagnosis, I realize that even more so now, I am his advocate, his voice, his protector, his champion. Yes, as a mom I was already all of those things, but now….now if I fail….well that is not an option, this is now my mission. One I can’t fail at, one I won’t fail at. I have come to realize our diagnosis is a path that was opened to us and while there are a ton of hills on this path, it’s a pretty amazing adventure. I have also realized that I say “our diagnosis” because at the end of the day, it really is OURS. It affects Logan, it affects me, and it affects Kolten. We are a package deal, if it happens to one, it happens to all. We all have to deal with the crazy that accompanies Kolten. Now, who knows if some of the things that happen (like Kolten undecorating the tree while Logan sobs that Kolten hates Christmas) are age related or if they are autism related…only time can tell.  We are all going gluten free, because it is best for Kolten. We are a family, we will stick together in this journey, we will meet every challenge as 3 against 1. There is nothing that together and with Christ that we cannot overcome.  Continue reading

I believe in our future.

IMG_1512It has been about two weeks since the initial diagnosis. Two weeks since the word Autism made a permanent journey to live in our house. Two weeks since our eyes have been opened to change.

Two weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with all of the change and the journey that our life was now going to take. Kolten had been diagnosed with Autism and we needed to figure out what that meant and how it was going to really shape our life.  We have started some big changes in how we do things, the way we eat and even the way sleep is being tackled.

Continue reading